…And This Is Why We Drink™

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am.. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.

Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised
when the doctor said, ‘My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?’

I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal … some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, ‘Mommy, where’s my washcloth?’

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, ‘No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.’

Never going back to that doctor. Ever.

I was contacted by a returning client to freshen-up a model in one of their apartment complexes. Yeah! I love this kind of work. Of course the owner wanted it done yesterday. So I ran out, gave them a proposal, it was approved so I sent over my contract. I told them I could have it done in 5 weeks from when I received the deposit, because as my contract states, “No work starts until the signed contract and deposit are received.” I was anxious to get going because I was going to be out of town a couple weeks in October and they wanted it done before I left. No problem as long as I received the deposit ASAP.

Well, time was going along and I didn’t receive the deposit, that’s odd. I E-mailed my client, who is the Property Management Company for the apartment complex owner. She said that yes all was approved and the check was being processed. Great! I’ve been working with this client for over 5 years, they are fabulous to work with and always pay. So I decided to get the artwork ordered since it would be shipping from Georgia to Nevada. I really wanted to get this job installed before I went on vacation. So I also went shopping and bought the accessories and bedding. Then 2 more weeks passed, hmm. I E-mailed her again and said that I had ordered the art and bought the bedding and accessories since she said the contract was approved and the check was on the way. And then my phone rings. She read my E-mail and is panicked. It seems the owner did approve the proposal but refused to sign the contract and decided to just have his wife do it. Oh that’s not good. She had been on the phone calling other Property Managers to see if they had a model that needed to be re-freshed, but none right now. I called the artwork company and the art had shipped just that day, oh that’s not good.

After I took a deep breath I calmed her down because this wasn’t her fault. We’ve done business for years and know we’ll do business again. This was my mistake and stress because I didn’t follow my own contract, which remember says, “No work starts until the signed contract and deposit are received.” Anyone need $2,000 in artwork cheap?

The Wine Wench

A Blonde goes to BED, BATH & BEYOND to buy curtains. She tells the clerk, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains”. The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, “Seventeen inches.”“Seventeen inches?” asked the clerk.That sounds very small. What room are they for?” The blonde says, “They aren’t for a room. They are for my new computer.” The surprised clerk replies, “But Miss, computers do not need curtains!”

The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo … I’ve got Windoooooows…….”

If you’ve broken as many wine glasses as I have, you should appreciate this video.

Schott Zwiesel has developed a break-resistant glass called Tritan™ .

Gotta get me some.

A man goes to the Lucas Carlton in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton. The waiter returns with a decanter of wine and pours a small amount into the glass for the man to sample.

The customer picks up the glass, tests the nose, puts down the wine with a thud and announces “This is NOT the 1928 Mouton.”

The waiter assures him that it is, and as the discussion ensues, there is shortly a small group surrounding the table, including the Chef, Chief Sommelier, and Hotel Manager insisting that it is indeed a 1928 Mouton. Finally a diner at a nearby table asks ” How do you KNOW that it’s not a 1928 Mouton?”

“My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I own the winery, and make the wine.”

Finally the waiter steps forward and admits that he poured a 1928 Clerc Milon. “I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. Clerc Milon is in the same village as Mouton, the grapes, which are the same cepage, are picked and crushed at the same time, using the same methods, you use similar barrels, you bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small geographic distance.”

Rothschild looks at the waiter and says: “Tonight, when you go home, ask your wife to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, and another finger in the other. Smell both fingers, and then you will understand what a difference a small geographic distance makes.”

An Orangina advert in which animals wearing tiny bikinis gyrate around poles has drawn complaints from viewers.

The 60 second advert for the soft drink centres around a love story between a doe and a bear, with a finale of shots of Orangina bottles exploding between the thighs of zebras and squirting on to the breasts of other animals.

The Naturally Juicy advert, created by a French ad agency, has attracted criticism from children’s charities and equal rights groups. Claude Knights, director of children’s charity Kidscape, said: “Orangina is a drink which is mainly aimed at children and young people, but this new advert places the product in a very sexualised and provocative context.

“The almost sinister portrayal of animals in an animation style filled with sexual innuendo leads to very mixed and confused messages.”

She said the charity were worried that it was another example of using sexual images to sell products to children.

The Advertising Standards Agency (ASA) has received 147 complaints, after the commercial was first screened on August 1 on E4 during an episode of How to Look Good Naked. A spokesperson said they had not decided whether to investigate the advert, which is due to be shown post watershed throughout August.

The advert was based around the idea of “pulpeuse”, which in French means both “containing pulp” and also “voluptuous” or “sexy”.

Dr Pepper Snapple Group, which owns the brand, was unavailable for comment.

Original Story and Hi-Def Video Here

If You Purchased $1,000 worth of Nortel Stock one year ago it would now be worth $49. With AIG, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000. And with Worldcom, you would have less than $5 left.

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Airlines stock you’d have $51 left. With United Airlines you would be left with nothing.

Now, If you had bought $1,000 worth of Beer a year ago, drunk it all, then turned in the cans for recycling you’d have $67.50.

Based on the above, the best current retirement investment advice I can give you is to drink heavily and save your cans.

I call this the 401-Keg Plan.

I was having cabinets installed for a client and the workers cleaned up each day. There was a little alcove that couldn’t be seen from the street in-between the garage and the room they were working in, so they thought it would be safe over night. I get there in the morning and it was ALL gone. Where the heck did it go?

It happen to be trash and recycle day at their house, but there was nothing out. Except the recycling had already been picked up. In a panic I called the Nanny as my clients went out of town that morning. Well, my client thought they would help and put everything out with the trash since it was trash day and since the wood was placed by their trash cans. Great. But luckily the Nanny had decided to take all of the trim pieces as she was going to cut them up for security bars for her windows. Unfortunately all of the shelves and counter tops were put out and the recycling guys picked them up. Sure they thought they hit gold. The cabinet company re-ordered eveything at no charge.

Three construction workers got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.The first worker said “Let’s all go to O’Learys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness.” The second worker said “That sounds good, but if we go to Baldini’s with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table.” The third worker said “That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstof’s we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid.” “That sounds to good to be true!” the first worker exclaimed. “Have you actually been there?” “No,” the third man replied, “but my wife goes there all the time.”